I've finished my exams and am free for the summer. I don't want to be congratulated or probed further on my predicted performance in them, nor do I wish to gloat at the fact I have almost half the year doing nothing.
My aim is nothing but to inject a photon of happiness in to the universe to begin this blog. So take it. It's yours. It's free. I know right, a free photon! Everyone loves free stuff. Especially politicians.
I once saw Ed Miliband use his Nando's card to get a free half chicken. Several sources have confirmed that it was seasoned with lemon and herb however eyewitnesses claim this was altered to 'medium' after he had received his halloumi.
It would be a disservice to condemn Mr Milliband's poultry preferences so I will remain, as I do on theorems relating to the creation of the universe, neutral on the matter until concrete evidence is published.
In case you hadn’t realised, breaking news... the World Cup has begun. After England’s inspired but ultimately unfortunate defeat at the hands of Pirlo... I mean Italy, I wanted to check in and make sure everyone is preparing for the World Cup victory parade in Trafalgar Square come July. All the best champions lose their opening match after all. I for one cannot wait to see who we get in the final and I can already see the tears in Luke Shaw's eyes. His mum will be so proud. In between games, keeping relaxed and focussed is essential.
We are always being told of players using ice baths, hot baths, fitness baths or less popular, David Beckham's early bath in '98 (I like how that's allowed to be brought up as a bit of a laugh now, since he's the best looking British export since Connery's DB5). It is therefore important that we all do our bit for the hygiene of the World Cup and ensure that we are all taking at least a bath a day.
Expel muscle tension from those fist clenches of trepidation with a relaxing soak. Let your knees, who have provided you elevation from your sofa during dubious refereeing decisions and last minute penalty drama, squeak steadily down the porcelain walls of your tub.
For the bath knows that first goal was never offside, it knows your accumulator, only one score away from coming in, should have bought you tomorrow’s disposable barbeque. It knows that was never a red in Europe and that the humidity gets to the best of them. The bath knows, but more importantly, the bath forgives.
There will be ups and downs this World Cup no doubt, and, like trying to steer a horse backwards, it will be no easy ride. However what it will be is a campaign of hope and determination, for that is the English way.
Pride in our nations footballing ability, contained in the solemn and frankly offensive face of Wayne Rooney, should nonetheless be supported with every fibre that your Bran Flakes gave you this morning. Make full use of those fibres, our boys need us. Have a bath and Come on England!