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Pamper bath

Leaving the office on a Friday afternoon, smelling like old shoes and bordering on exhausted insanity, one could forgive you for returning home, downing half a bottle of whatever you can find, be it Ribena or beer, and passing out face-down on your bathroom floor, ready to embrace two full days of sweet nothingness. Well unfortunately I am not 'one'. You shan't be forgiven for partaking in a ritual as barbaric as this when there is so much more to be done with the two sevenths of the week that has been granted to you to do as you please. The pamper bath serves as a perfect activity to unwind, reenergise, cleanse, reengage and reconsider. You had better have a mirror to hand because this could be a time for some serious reflection.

Anyone claiming that moisturising, cleansing and general facial rehabilitation is a waste of time, either has a terrible face or no regard for human life. Along with the need for food, companionship and water, our bodies crave care and attention. In a society of instagram, photoshopped pets and an obsession with anything that can be seen on Google street view, it is not difficult to see why this could sound like another commercial barrage of products that cost more than your kids and are half as useful. It is not my place to suggest certain products to apply to that beautiful round thing that sits between your hairline and chin, but from personal experience, applying anything hot, clean, rough or a combination of the three to your face gets a huge Sam-p of approval. (Disclaimer: please don't rub your face with sandpaper, lava or shoe polish.)

The application of wax, moisturiser, tint, cleanser or any other product on the market designed to make you look pretty does just as much for your insides as it does out. Treating your face like a vintage car forces you to engage with the thing that makes you, you (unless you're an identical twin in which case it's what makes you two, you two), triggering a variety of beneficial spin-off results. Rubbing your face over and over in the mirror will help you come to terms with your insecurities. Moisturiser can't change the fact that one of your eyes is bigger than the other, or that your nose may as well just be a face of its own. See it as a reality check.

Place some cucumber over your eyes for no reason whatsoever. It makes your eyes feel cold and you may get a whiff of cucumber. How thrilling. Vegetation on the face in my opinion is something that future generations will mock in the same vein we now consider that human sacrifices, in retrospect, was probably a bit of a silly idea, even if a large piece of shrubbery told you to.

Vanity can be a tool for good and should be utilised in the bath wherever appropriate. With your pores gaping and a ready supply of clean warm water aplenty, don't shy away from shaving, waxing or moisturising during your time in the bath. I dislike the phrase killing two birds with one stone, so think of it instead as being more efficient with your time – and if you're skin looks good, you look good: win-win all round. 

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