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The one where the toilet seat is up or down

Considered a private space, generally enjoyed at one’s own leisure, the bathroom appears, at a glance, a room of peaceful allure, rarely a setting for controversy. As many readers will be aware, however, this is far from the case.

From behind the bathroom door, a muffled cry, "Nuclear reactors require less cleaning than you, you filthy animal!" "It's a toilet, not baggage claim! What's taking you so long?" "I could have run to the student union used the launderette & got back here, in the time you've been in there"

Complaints such as these encompass an integral part of unfortunate, but regular, familial disagreement. In an attempt to reduce the volume at which these are hurled across British landings, I have made a concerted effort to provide you with a nuanced, objective and rational guide to etiquette in the bathroom. Etiquette expert, William Hanson, has had some interesting things to say regarding 'toilettequette' and whilst I certainly agree with many of his suggestions, I do believe that etiquette in the bathroom demands a higher threshold of both acceptance and tolerance. I would openly invite William to rebut any points that he feels are contrary to his understanding of etiquette.

Danger, slippery surface

The point at which a splash of water, either deflected in lethargic tooth brushing or via clumsy disembarkation from the bath, becomes a puddle, you my dear friend have crossed the line. People expect bathrooms to attract a certain degree of moisture – that much is a given. But it's your home, not a water park; so if you find your bathroom floor looking like a Guatemalan swamp, you may want to reevaluate the way in which you spend your time in there.

Flushin' Roulette

According to a survey recently conducted by bathstore, 79% of Brits aged 16-35 confess to browsing their phone during spells on the toilet. I, for one, am a huge fan of this. It's almost as if Twitter was designed to be used and updated on the toilet. 140 characters? Sounds like toilet time to me. However, the number of people who manage to drop their phones in to the toilet, demonstrating the emotional intelligence of a raw egg, are not included in my blessings for people to use their phone during this time. Having said that according to this it would seem more people throw their phone the loo than I might have thought.

For the rest of you with fully functioning fingers, the world is your oyster and the toilet is your throne.

The seat

The ups and downs of the toilet seat in a post-modern era of liberal ideology, gender equality and bathing emancipation, has thrown up a troubling question that has continuously baffled experts and critics alike. From a logical point of view, a man should replace the seat down where he first found it. He, having done his business, must wash his hands no matter what. Therefore, it is little skin off his back to put the seat down.

The problem, however, lies here where a man, having found the seat left up, performs the "hands free" manoeuvre thus requiring no immediate sanitary hand relief. In such an instance, the man may, in order to prevent the infestation of bacteria on his spotless paws, may have the duty alleviated.

Either way, women are far too aggravated by men who leave the seat up. Unless you actually fall in and end up in a sewer under the channel, you have no right to scream in my face or threaten my family. It's gravity. Just put it down yourself. I'll do it next time.

Not washing your hands, is that a thing?

Society configured basic hygiene has inflicted upon us an obligation, neigh, a duty, to wash our hands following any contact with, or close proximity to, a toilet. Many of you would call me gross for even suggesting that there can be exceptions to this rule. I would, however, challenge you to question blindly adhering to such a social norm without first examining the facts: Bacteria is good for you, sometimes*.

* Please note the good people at bathstore don't agree with my views on hand washing, but as your humble BEO I feel it's only right I tell you my true opinions. I even found some science to prove it.

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